Not all who Wander are Lost

     This summer has already been full of God's peace and joy for me. I'm reminded daily, while babysitting, what the faith of a child looks like--what it looks like to find joy, excitement, and adventure in even the smallest and seemingly mundane of tasks. I'm also given a bigger picture of God's relentless patience with which he cares for us. My heart is full and eager to see where God shows up each day. However, as I'm greatly enjoying this season, I'm also reminded of the times in my life when I did not feel as eager to follow the Lord. God promises good days, but the Bible also emphasizes that we will have our fair share of bad days just the same. Ecclesiastes 7:14 states, "When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider: God has made the one as well as the other. Therefore, a man cannot discover anything about his future."
.........and with that, I wish you well and charge you to merely CONSIDER that God has made each day and so whether good, bad, boring, or busy be thankful and keep on keeping on. You cannot change things and you sure as heck can't understand them so force a smile and just keep trucking.....right.

....hopefully I didn't lose you back there. Although this verse seems to offer an easy-peasy solution to dealing with difficult times, the truth is that we as humans, are not good with easy-peasy solutions. We can't accept the bad things life hits us with and not wonder WHY. We can't just walk through every trial  unscathed and from the beginning say, "THANK-YOU for the opportunity to draw closer to you in this suffering, Christ." We don't work like that. We like things that we can wrap our heads around. We like to feel safe and protected. We like adventure so long as it has no negative effects. We like to serve God with abandon so long as He shows us a glimpse of the map every now and then so we know sortakinda what he's up to...oh, and we even like to give input about where God is taking us...you know cause God gets lost and off track with our lives sometimes...after all we know best kinda deal.

     Well, lately as I've been thinking back on last summer when I struggled to trust that God was masterminding something bigger than my perception allowed for me to see, I'm filled with gratitude for the way that Christ is faithful to his promises...for the way that he directs us even when we wrestle him for answers that we cannot receive...and really, could find no good-enough answer to in the first place even if he did answer.

     I can distinctly remember the exact moment last summer when I finally gave up trying to understand and smile through the recent events and just thought to myself...God, what on Earth are you doing? (catch that, I was questioning the CREATOR of Earth about what he was doing...because clearlyyy I had it all figured out, people haha) It wasn't even so much an angry question as it was just a tired and last ditch effort on my part to be let in on the loop of God's plan that seemed to be becoming incredibly hazy and painful. You see, in that moment (when a whole bunch of confusing things were happening and on the SAME day that a freshman at Clemson/Hannah's first date in college passed away from a freak wake boarding accident), I found myself sitting on the porch steps of our beach house listening to my dad cry on the phone as he informed me that his closest partner and friend at work had killed himself. He had spent the morning with his family and even cooked them pancakes before they left the house. When the wife returned home, she found her high school sweetheart/not even 40 yet husband in their room next to a note containing a two word explanation: "I'm sorry." She didn't call family first. She called my dad. It was completely unexpected, and I know that people say that all the time with suicides, but in this case I mean it. It was completely unexpected. As I listened to my father cry for the third time ever in my life, and as I thought of the young and now permanently broken family that I had once babysat for...of the family and friends of the 19 year-old who had just died for what seemed to be no reason...of the confusing mess of events and pain that all seemed to be piling up and making God seem less and less in control, I very much struggled with the concept of trusting God in the midst of the bad times. I've found that when little things go wrong, it's easy for me to learn to lean on God a little more and see him come through. It's when the really tough, throat-sinks-into-your-stomach, take the wind out of you stuff starts to happen that I tend to pull away from God initially...thankfully, he doesn't do the same and eventually he pulls my stubborn heart back into focus for good.

Well, rewind: during this time last summer, I was exhausted and overwhelmed by all of the chaos and brokenness around me. You cannot fix or erase the wounds of a suicide and an early death by quoting a Bible verse, and you sure as heck can't just give those people a good hug and tell them to carry on. That doesn't do much of anything. And without a black-and-white answer from God about why these things happen, there's really only two things to do: choose to trust in God's sovereignty in the midst of all the pain and lack of clarity or choose not to trust him.

     So I was somewhere in the in-between battle. I was mad at God for letting these terrible, awful things happen. I was mad at him for not being easy to comprehend. I resented the unpredictability of his nature. I was mad that he wouldn't give me answers to every question I had. Yet, simultaneously...I knew I was wrong for pushing him away just because I couldn't wrap my mind around it. I knew I was being plain stupid for pushing away the only One who could offer me any comfort, peace, and reassurance. I knew that it didn't matter that He wouldn't answer everything. I knew that despite the fact that my natural human responses said to run away- not to trust him because he's unpredictable and allows hurtful things to happen-that He was the only one I needed. Because bottom line: God is God.  I am not. And, God is faithful...even when I am not. It's funny when God has your heart and your trust--even when you try to pull away and resent him, your very core won't let you do that for too long--He just doesn't let up and his spirit counsels and directs you, all the while gently nudging you not to be so silly--telling you to come to the only one who can provide. I knew that, but I fought it...in a strange way, it honestly felt like something in the movies where one person in a relationship knows they are in the wrong-that the blame shouldn't be put on the other,but they just aren't ready to talk things through- they aren't ready to admit their own fault/lack of trust/ insecurity...they aren't ready to budge yet, but they know resolution is inevitable...

     Well, fast forward a few days after that porch night conversation. I found myself, very much against my will, on a family hike- mom, dad, and I. Hannah and Bryson were somehow both gone. Nothing against family time, if I had been slightly at peace in my head, then I would have been all over the idea of the hike. It's just that I wasn't. When my dad and I are hurt or upset, we both tend to keep those thoughts to ourselves...not the little blunders that come along the way, we can talk about those/joke them off with other people. But, the deep, gut-renching hurts...I honestly think we have both yet to discover the desire, need, or benefit of sharing those. I like going over them in my own head until I can eventually just stop thinking about them...it's a kind of individual victory or something-an I don't need you thing that's probably not excellent, but all the same...words for us, do NOT come out about the hard stuff until we've worked through enough of it on our own already. Mom, on the other hand, is always a talker. 24/7, y'all. I mean it. And, that's not a bad thing. But, mom being a mom-when anything is slightly wrong...ranging from "boo boo's" to death...is determined to fix the situation- to mend us. So Dad and I both stepped into this hike, wanting to be silent and instead we found ourselves offering more and more one word answers and shoulder shrugs to silly questions that were meant to get us to loosen up...oh, and did I mention, it was hot as hell (can I say hell in a blog about God?...whateverrrr, just did). It was hot as hell, people.

     So long story short, to add to the ridiculous-ness of the day, we get lost. We get lost. in the woods. on our hike. Despite the fact that I am absurdly challenged with directions, getting lost while following markers in the woods was a first for me. But to clarify, in this case...it was not my fault. The hike was supposed to be around 7 miles or so I believe...but after a while, we all started commenting on the fact that it felt like we'd been going quite a bit farther than that. We eventually ran into some people and they quickly informed us that we had passed the look-out a few miles back. As you can imagine, this was great news. Extra hiking!! And, the look-out clearly must not have been a beaut. if we had all casually walked past it. So after questioning whether to head back up to the car or backtrack, we turned around and headed down towards our destination.

     After a short while, we made it back to the look-out. It's not that the view wasn't pretty. It's just that it was partially covered and didn't really have any clear "this-is-it" indications. There was a little creek that ran through the mountain and we opted to take a breather and watch the water/take in the view for a while.

Okay so here is the turning point of the story...for those of you eagerly looking for some meaning to this rambling. As I was sitting there silently, fumbling around with everything in my head, a little girl in the creek started jumping up and down, pointing to what I'm thinking was mica (golden/sparkly rock) gleefully shouting for her dad. "Look dad, it's gold...ahhh dad, look I found gold." He matched her joy with excited reactions and reaffirmed that she had indeed discovered gold. Even though I thought she was being cute, I didn't think much of it other than the fact that there was a little girl screaming a few feet away from me. As I sat there for a bit longer though, God began tugging on my heart a bit...

     This girl and her dad were quite frankly in the middle of nowhere. This look-out was hidden and not even all that beautiful in comparison to many I've seen. It was slightly off the beaten path, and plenty of people probably walked on by it without meaning to or simply because they didn't know what they were looking for. My family and I had even gotten lost in the process of finding it. But, here we were after walking aimlessly and with little direction, motivation, or clarity as to where we were going...we got lost along the way...we saw life and death...animals/other people and plenty of fallen trees and dried-out brush...the hike was rigorous, the heat got to us at times...and all the while, we weren't exactly sure where we were going/ if there would even be anything rewarding about getting to the said destination...was it even worth it to backtrack to the look-out or should we have just kept walking a shorter distance upwards to the parking lot?

...Here in the middle of nowhere, this little girl excitedly squealed as she and her dad scooped up some of the glimmering specks of "gold" they had discovered in the water. He congratulated her on her successful discovery. She had found treasure in the middle of nowhere, and her joy was radiant. So as I sat there, I began to think...this is how God calls us to be as followers...He doesn't promise black-and-white explanatory answers for many of the difficult times in our lives...He doesn't promise step-A to step-B maps of how our futures will come into place...He doesn't promise that bad things won't happen to people who love him and he doesn't allow us to bend His will to meet our own wills that we sometimes naively hold onto...He doesn't promise that we will always know exactly where he is directing us or how the painful events in our lives will be worked out for his glory...He doesn't promise that we won't feel lost or incapable of finding meaning, direction, purpose behind the chaos in this world. But, what he does promise to his followers...to those who choose to trust him even times of unthinkable uncertainty, pain, and doubt...is treasure, joy, and reward at the end...He promises to show us the "golden" things in life...He promises to restore our joy in him...He promises that if we follow him wholeheartedly during the times where he seems far off, that we will find unspeakable treasure in him no matter what destination we found ourselves at in life. We will find gold even when we are lost. And, just as this father was so excited to share in his daughter's joy...our Father in Heaven is overjoyed every time that we choose to trust and follow him through the bad things...He delights in helping us discover the many gifts/treasures he reveals to us along the way...many of which we can simply look past/ take for granted/ not recognize if we are not actively following him where he is leading. We got up and went home.

     I didn't write this to say that I almost abandoned God or renounced my faith or anything like that- I just meant for it to reveal the stubborn part of our heart that pulls away from God when the bad things strike. I find myself a year later, looking back on this time and I'm glad to put my trust in the One who forever stays the same, despite the ups and downs that can overwhelm us. I am so thankful that life with God is an adventure and although I cannot predict what he is up to, I can trust in his sovereignty and be certain that some good will come...some gold will be found even after unspeakable tragedies. To clarify though, I am in no way discounting the incredible pain that comes from unexpected deaths such as these...a year later, and I still have no answers as to the why behind these events. I still wish both deaths could be undone, and I know that pain and confusion will always be present for those affected. I still struggle with the "why do bad things happen to good people" dilemma, and I predict many more wrestling matches like these with God. I only know that we have a Father in Heaven who relentlessly pursues us and wants us to follow him with abandon. He asks us to leave behind the stubborn notion of wanting to figure everything out, and instead asks us to follow him even when we are lost...He is the One who walks beside us through every cranny and turn, and He is the very destination and treasure we are looking for.

So will you trust him or will you push him away when the bad times present themselves? It comes down to a choice as simple as that. I pray that, by his strength, we always choose to follow him into the unknown and that we learn to take delight in what he shows us along the way.

A song that got me through last summer: Josh Garrel's "Farther Along" ...have I mentioned yet that I love him?

Also this quote...
"I know now, Lord, why you utter no answer. You are yourself the answer. Before your face, questions die away. What other answer would suffice?" -C.S. Lewis

(no editing was done to this post...bear with me gently in that regard haha)